I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
