Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
