I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude i'm inner monologue high
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
