wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
