Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
