You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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