ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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