Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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