I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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