when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
