I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
