I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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