Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
