No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
