When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
