but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
