I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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