The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
