dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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