Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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