I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
