Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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It was a blind-side dick pic.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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