All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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