I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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