so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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