tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
