It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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