You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
