shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
