I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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