So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
where are my eyebrows?
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