my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
