wanna go halves on a baby?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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