i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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