after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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