people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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