I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
