I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
