I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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