His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
