the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
