We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
