dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
