So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
