My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
