Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
