He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
