When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
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Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
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drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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