I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
