Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
