you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
