he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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