He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My cat gives me a boner
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
