My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
