just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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