sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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