i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
