You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
