You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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