There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My bed smells like the plague
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
