I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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