I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
