seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
