I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
